Best and Worst Movie Posters of March 2013
Hi everyone! Here's the March edition of my Best and Worst Movie Posters column. There are posters this month that might permanently scar you -- and ideas for inventions that will forever change your life (just remember to send me some of the profits -- preferably more than $10). What are you waiting for? An alien invasion? A nuclear apocalypse? Oh wait, that actually could happen right about now so you better start reading quickly.
MOST SENSUAL POSTER OF MARCH 2013
Look at all the flying debris! And that weather! Oh my! I'd love to be there. Wait a minute, you're checking out Hugh Jackman's body aren't you? In all seriousness, imagine if there's a machine that allows you stay in tip-top shape every time you tell a stranger three hilarious jokes. Is there such a device? If there isn't, then someone should invent one already. I'll be your first customer.
BEST POSTER TO FEATURE SOMEONE SITTING IN A CHAIR
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE
When did sitting in a chair become so fashionable? Have I been living under a rock or inside a cow's anus? Perhaps. Or maybe sitting in a chair signifies something else that I'm unaware of? (I've only watched the first movie -- haven't read any of the books) Other than that, I can't wait for the next Hunger Games movie. It's going to be two hours of electrifying and intense sitting-in-a-chair action! Bring it on!
BEST POSTER TO FEATURE A GAY PIRATE SITTING IN A CHAIR
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE
Since I'm not familiar with the Hunger Games universe, the white-shirted guy sitting in the chair above could be an accountant -- or a gay pirate. Which one is he? You tell me! But I'm willing to bet $2 he's a gay pirate because the actor above is Sam Chaflin, who starred in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. That's not a joke, he was really in it. Just check out his IMDB page: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3510471/
BEST POSTER TO FEATURE SOMEONE STANDING NEXT TO A CHAIR
THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE
When the sitting-in-a-chair fad dies out, the standing-next-to-a-chair phenomenon will take off! I can't remember the last time I took a photo of myself standing next to a chair -- actually -- I have never taken a photo of myself standing next to a chair. Can you believe I've lived over two decades without posing next to a chair. It's shameful -- don't you agree?
BEST POSTER TO FEATURE A SLIGHTLY IRRITATED LEONARDO DICAPRIO
THE GREAT GATSBY
When Leonardo DiCaprio isn't saving elephants or making movies with Martin Scorsese, he's busy looking pissed off in Baz Luhrmann's upcoming movie, The Great Gatsby. I'm really looking forward to the movie and hope there's substance to it, but so far it just looks like a bunch of CGI backdrops.
If the movie sucks, I'm going to blame DiCaprio and then take my name off his Save The Elephants petition. I'm only kidding of course, because slaughtering elephants is bad. Or is it?
BEST POSTER DESIGNED BY THE TSA
I haven't got a clue what the movie's about, but if the title is anything to go by, then count me in.
MOST EXCITING POSTER OF MARCH 2013...NOT!
Just calm down okay? I know you're itching to watch it, but just wait a minute. I need to explain something to you. This poster where people just look out into the distance will obviously appeal to every demographic but there's one thing you really need to know.
Hold up! I told you to wait a moment. What? You don't care what I've got to say? Where are you running to? What? You're pre-purchasing tickets to The Story of Luke? Are you insane? Okay, whatever then. Go ahead. I give up.
BEST MOVIE POSTER BASED ON A BOOK - RUNNER-UP
WORLD WAR Z
Max Brooks' World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, is another book I'd love to read. It's just cool seeing zombies trying to take down a helicopter. It's something that needs to be seen in a movie and I'm so glad we're going to see it.
I just hope the movie isn't too 'serious' like Spielberg's War of the Worlds, which tortured audiences with one of the most annoying father-son relationships in cinema history.
BEST MOVIE POSTER BASED ON A BOOK - WINNER
Oson Scott Card's classic novel is still on my to-read list and if the movie is as good as the reviews for the book, then we're in for a great movie! If the movie sucks, then I'm going to burn my book. I'm only joking of course, because burning books is bad. Or is it?
BEST USE OF COLOR
I just love the use of color in this poster. The movie is based on Jackie Robinson, the first African American to play baseball in Major League Baseball. If the acting is up to par and the directing isn't overly sentimental, then this movie should -- pardon the pun -- knock it out of the park. But what's up with Harrison Ford's facial expression there?
BEST POSTER THAT SHOULD BE THE COVER OF A BESTSELLING BOOK
The movie actually has a really intriguing premise:
A philosophy teacher challenges his class of twenty graduating seniors to choose which ten of them would take shelter underground and reboot the human race in the event of a nuclear apocalypse.And a good tagline: What if you had to die to survive?
Combine that with an eye-catching poster and now I'm definitely looking forward to the movie. Good job marketing guys!
BEST POSTER THAT COULD BE USED AS A HOLIDAY POSTCARD
Playing on a grand piano as a trio of beautiful balaclava-wearing, violin-playing girls keep you company while a wonderful sunset reflects over the relaxing beach-side water next to you -- does that look enticing? Heck yeah! Take me there now!
MOST PROMISING MOVIE TITLE
Do you feel the urge to watch a movie called Mud? Yes? No? I'll give you some time to think about it. Choose wisely.
CREEPIEST POSTER OF MARCH 2013 - RUNNER-UP
There's always something oddly creepy about people wearing masks -- whether it's a clown mask or a Clint Howard mask. If I saw a little girl standing in front of my house wearing a clown mask, I would probably knock her out with a baseball bat and run as far away as possible.
CREEPIEST POSTER OF MARCH 2013 - WINNER
EVERYONE'S GOING TO DIE
MOST TERRIFYING POSTER OF MARCH 2013
I have to clarify that this poster is terrifying for whoever it is on that poster -- not for me. Look at her! I think she's crapped her pants.
MOST OMINOUS POSTER OF MARCH 2013
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
Roland Emmerich (the master of cinematic destruction) gloriously destroyed the White House in 1996's Independence Day (one of my favorite movies of all time and also my birthday) and he's doing it again in 2013 -- and I can't wait to witness it! It will be a sight to behold!
BEST POSTER MADE FROM BANANA SKIN...OR URINE
If you told me I could watch any unreleased movie from 2013 right this very moment -- I'd pick Room 237. It's a documentary about the hidden symbols and messages in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining.
I've seen a similar documentary examining the same subject and let me tell you this -- even if you're not a conspiracy theorist -- you'll definitely be intrigued and have your mind blown by the stuff you'll learn. Trust me, mark this as a must-watch documentary.
COOLEST POSTER OF MARCH 2013
This retro-looking poster is very, very cool. What more can I say? Well, your 'coolness' factor will increase just by looking at it. Wow! I'm now a much cooler person. Thank you, poster!
MOST UNSETTLING POSTER OF MARCH 2013
LOVES HER GUN
In case you can't read that squiggly font on the poster -- the movie's title is Loves Her Gun. If I ever met a girl that loves her gun the way this poster suggests, then I'll steal her gun and remove it's firing capability and replace it with a vibrator function.
If she's unhappy with the modification, then I'm booking the next available flight to another continent just to be on the safe side. If she follows me, I'll be forced to love my gun -- which is a nuclear missile -- just to be on the safe side.
WORST POSTER OF MARCH 2013
Holy cow! Are you kidding me? Did the designer's Photoshop software crash or something? Or was it Microsoft Paint? Or was it put together by a drunk squirrel? What were they thinking? I actually understand the concept they're going for, but the execution is an absolute abomination.
It's easily one of the worst movie posters so far this year! The only thing right in this poster is Hugh Jackman's facial expression. I too, would find it unbearable if I was stuck in an orgy with a shitload of ninjas.
Sofia Vergara with a machine-gun bra thingy. Honestly, what more could you ask for? Well technically, they could've done a little more. I wish the little machine gun on each armored boob plate was bigger. But apart from that -- this is a great poster!
And that's how you sell a movie!
And that's it for another month. I hope you reached orgasmic levels of joy reading this and feel free to leave a comment. And you can subscribe to this blog at the top left of the page. Thanks!
If you missed the previous editions of this column, you can check them out here:
Note: All movie posters were sourced via IMP Awards
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Until next time, something wonderful awaits!
Best and Worst Movie Posters of March 2013 Reviewed by Tuan Ho on 21:56 Rating: