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I Just Received A $1 Million Advance For My Upcoming Novel

Hi everyone! Today, I have some great news to share!

Did I finally build my own gold-plated jetpack? Not yet.

Did I create a new invention that detects people who walk too slow in shopping malls? No (can some genius please make one already?)

Did I witness a cat eating a horse? No (why would anyone want to see that?)

As you can tell from the headline, I just received a ridiculous amount of money from Random House for my upcoming novel, Give Me My F**king Refund, Dickhead which I finished two months ago.

The post title is slightly inaccurate. I won't be receiving $1 million -- instead -- I'm getting a whopping $1.9 million + 95% royalties + a brand new Lamborghini + personal robot to do household chores.

I don't quite know what to do with the money yet, though I'm quite sure the first thing I'll do is buy a jetpack and fly over unsuspecting people and drop bundles of $10,000 cash onto their heads (the money will cover the cost of injury from overhead hazards).

I'll obviously give a good portion of it to my parents to pay off their mortgage and donate a fair amount to charity organizations and also set up my own charity organization, The Tuan Ho Foundation For Severely Disadvantaged People Without A Jetpack.

What will I do with the rest? Oh, I have an idea. I could give it to fellow writers and readers of this blog. The first person to leave a 5-Star review for my short story, A Star In Time will receive a brand new copy of The Bourne Identity on DVD as well as $50,000.

My Lamborghini Venuno. Not really happy with the color. I wanted an orange one.
I'm still in a state of shock. I can't fathom why Random House thought it was a good idea to give me a staggering advance as well as a Lamborghini (their CEO had an extra one parked in the backyard).

My life has changed and my writing will never be the same.

I'd like to give my sincerest love and gratitude to my mother and father for the gift of life.

I'd like to thank all the teachers in my life who imparted great wisdom and knowledge into my constantly growing mind.

To the fruit shop guy who gave me a free mandarin: THANK YOU!

To all my friends and family who never supported me: Thank you, but you'll be receiving a pack of dried and salted diarrhea chocolate bars for Christmas this year.

To all my friends and family who have encouraged and pushed me to be a successful writer: Thank you very much. You can all expect a shiny new iPhone for your birthday this year + $5,000 cash.

And to everyone else reading this: Have a lovely April 1st!

Thanks for reading!

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Until next time, something wonderful awaits!

I Just Received A $1 Million Advance For My Upcoming Novel Reviewed by Unknown on 19:38 Rating: 5
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