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MOVIE REVIEW: Big Ass Spider!

Hi everyone! Here's my review of the highly anticipated and game-changing Big Ass Spider! If you didn't know, I also crowned this movie with having the Best Movie Poster of February 2013. Check it out for a reminder.


It's about a big ass spider rampaging through LA, and Greg Grunberg's a pest exterminator who tries to save the day—along with the help of Lombardo Boyar as a fucking hilarious security guard.

Lombardo Boyar and Greg Grunberg, about to do some exterminatin'.
Fuck yeah! Not just merely good, but it's also a paradigm-changing event. Whoa! Your jaw just dropped didn't it? Calm down, I'll explain why.

This is the kind of movie that will inspire a whole generation of kids and teenagers—as well as middle-aged men and women going through a midlife crisis. Why? Because it gives them hope. Where am I going with this? Hang on, stay with me here. You'll understand soon enough.

Movies—whatever their purpose—will always have intentional or unintentional side-effects when watching them. When I watched Avatar, I was okay with the idea of having steamy sexual relations with hot blue aliens. In The Matrix, I wanted to be like Keanu Reeves and fly around and just do a whole lot of ass-kicking for any reason whatsoever. In Star Wars, who the heck didn't want a lightsaber after that? In Magic Mike, my adolescent dreams of becoming a male stripper resurfaced after witnessing how much fun it was.
But after watching director Mike Mendez's Big Ass Spider, I'm pretty sure what I want to be at some point in my life: A pest exterminator.

In this post-Big Ass Spider! world, teachers all around the world will ask their students what they want to be when they grow up, and kids and teens will not utter the usual dream jobs of the 20th century, such as a fireman, doctor, lawyer, astronaut (definitely not after Gravity), porn star, scientist, etc...No, no, no. The game has changed, people. And you better be ready for it.

From this moment on in time, every person on the planet who exposes their eyeballs to Big Ass Spider! will now consider becoming a pest exterminator.

That's the most surprising thing about watching a movie like this, you never know how it'll turn out. It could either be complete crap (like 90% of Syfy channel movies) or heaps of fun. Big Ass Spider! doesn't just hit the fun barrier—it transcends it and rewrites/alters the consciousness of humanity for the better.

This is what I wrote back in March of this year:
To everyone involved with Big Ass Spider!: director, producers, actors, actresses, costume designers, etc...and everyone else -- you all deserve a Nobel Peace Prize (I'm not sure why exactly, but you deserve it anyway).
Now I know why you deserve it. Millions of people will now become pest exterminators, which means millions more nasty bugs will die—but as a result, millions of human lives will be saved from deadly spider bites. It's a war, people. It's us VS. them. You can't have peace on Earth when ugly-ass spiders are rampaging through every house on this precious Earth of ours, threatening our kids and future generations with their venom.

When some dumbass scientist or evil government manages to unleash giant eight-legged monstrosities upon us, we will be ready for it, thanks to Greg Grunberg's fine leadership—paving the way for an efficient spider genocide. The spiders won't even know what's coming for them.

Trust me, watching this movie will probably save your life.

You can watch Big Ass Spider! on Amazon:

It's also on iTunes and a bunch of other video-on-demand services.

Go see the movie and thanks for reading!

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Until next time, something wonderful awaits!

MOVIE REVIEW: Big Ass Spider! Reviewed by Unknown on 09:53 Rating: 5
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