Movies I Saw This Month - April Edition

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Hi everyone! Yes, it's been almost a month since I've posted, but I'm still alive! Apart from making steady progress on my debut novel, I've watched a lot of new movies this month. Let's start with the worst I've seen!

DIVERGENT

James Franco in Divergent.

Sorry, but this just isn't good enough. One hour into the movie, I was thinking: "Okay, you've introduced us to a happy-looking dystopian world where teens risk their life by jumping on/off moving trains to join a club or something. Okay, seems dangerous, but whatever. What's next? Let's watch teens train to be security guards or some shit then watch them play laser tag (which is actually a cool scene) and then what? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?"

I don't know if Veronica Roth's books are structured like this, but the screenwriters and director, Neil Burger (this is the last time I'm watching a movie directed by a guy with Burger as his surname) did a crappy job of setting up the world as well as moving the plot along. It also has one of the lamest deaths in cinema history.

Every YA book adaption that's come out recently has sucked and also did terribly at the box-office: Ender's Game, Mortal Instruments, Vampire Academy, Beautiful Creatures, The Host, and a few others.

Why? Well, there are two main reasons:
1. The filmmakers fucked it up with shitty screenwriting and pedestrian directing.
2. The story's just not that great.

But it's not all doom and gloom for new YA movies.

The Maze Runner and The Giver look very promising and I hope they blow me away.

With Divergent, I am being overly harsh with it because it's not okay for Hollywood to churn out half-assed movies like this just to make a quick buck.

Initially, I supported Peter Jackson's decision to split The Hobbit into 3 movies, but after seeing the second one—ten minutes of story in a 3 hour movie—fuck that! It's gone way out of hand.

Also hated this movie because it's got Jai Courtney, another Aussie actor who looks like Sam Worthington. Not good. Okay, I admit it, that's the real reason I hated this movie. :)
— 3/10

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE MARKED ONES

"This is the last time I shove my head up someone's ass!"

You know a horror movie is bad when you fall asleep. Yes, I fell asleep in the last twenty minutes. What number is this? The fifth or sixth now? It's gotta stop. Please, no more Paranormal Activity movies! What a fucking waste of time!
— 4/10

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

Leonardo DiCaprio's younger brother as The Green Goblin.

Some have compared this sequel to the awful Batman and Robin. And you know what? They're right. Jamie Foxx's role as the villain, Electro, is dreadful. He should hand back his Oscar. And the CGI is shocking. What year is it? 2014? Some of the shots look like they came out of a Playstation 1 game.
— 5/10

ALL IS LOST

"Help!"

Do you feel like watching Robert Redford trying to stay alive in the middle of the ocean for ninety minutes? I did, but wished I hadn't. I hate to describe this movie as boring because it's a pretty lazy (and sometimes unfair) way to describe anything, but in this case, that's the only word that fits it.

Technically, it's impressive; I would like to see the behind-the-scenes features for it. But as a movie that fully engages the audience—it fails.
— 5/10

THE OTHER WOMAN

"It's only my third surgery. It'll get better!"

I'm not even going to talk about the movie. Instead, let's talk about Cameron Diaz's face. She had plastic surgery and now regrets it because her face looks hideous!

Why am I bringing this up? Because if you've watched The Mask starring Jim Carrey, she was in that—and she was simply divine! I just hate seeing people's natural beauty ruined by plastic surgery.

It's a crime that should be treated like a war crime. It really should. Right now, if anyone's considering plastic surgery for superficial reasons, please, I beg of you, don't be a moron.
— 6/10

RIDE ALONG

Ice Cube is not impressed.

Kevin Hart's a funny dude, so when you pair him up with Ice Cube, who is a master at playing someone who gets pissed off, you get yourself an enjoyable 90 minutes.
— 6/10

ADULT WORLD

This movie is not what you think it is.

It's a movie that many writers/creative types will relate to because it's about Emma Roberts trying to get her poetry published. Slightly amusing, but ultimately, just forgettable.
— 6/10

NOAH

Russell Crowe as the most badass animal collector in the history of the universe!

Now here's a movie that many people despised, but I loved. Why? Because it's not what I expected at all! It's got giant rock monsters! It's got Lord of the Rings-Helm's Deep-style battle sequences! It's got an awe-inspiring, eye-gasmic Creation sequence and some crazy drama. Some might say that I loved it for all the wrong reasons—and they're right!
— 7/10 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

"Why are they looking at me? Is it because I couldn't find a tighter shirt?"

All these Marvel superhero movies are starting to get repetitive. Throw in a disposable villain, some funny one-liners, a tiresome third act action scene and you've got yourself a half-decent movie. But this one's slightly different.

It actually has a story that's relevant to today's world of NSA-spying and global connectivity, etc. It makes you think twice about the stuff you write online, but apart from that, it's the same shit I described above. I long for the day when a superhero movie comes close to topping Christopher Nolan's masterful The Dark Knight.
— 7/10 

SNOWPIERCER

"Look, I'm only letting you have the first shower because you might die soon."

Now here's another Chris Evans movie that's worth watching if you're into something a little out there. It's set in a world where everything has frozen, so the whole world's dead except for a group of people living aboard a train that travels around the world non-stop.

But that's not it! The train is split up into different classes—economy, first class, etc., and so begins the drama! I'll stop it right there because the movie is weird, exciting, stupid, and most importantly—it's different! Definitely worth checking out.
 — 7.5/10

THE LEGO MOVIE

Go buy Lego! Go buy Lego! Go buy Lego!

What a delightful film! It's funny and has a wonderful message for both kids and adults! But how about some of those Lego sets? So ridiculously expensive.
— 8/10

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

The Grand Budapest Hotel is the first masterpiece of 2014! If you've never seen a Wes Anderson movie, then don't fear, you can still enjoy this if you know what you're in for. In short, his movies are quirky.

Visually, the movie will make your eyeballs ejaculate. The set designs, costumes, and cinematography are all top notch!

But it's the story that got me—and that's what every great story should aim for: the human heart. As soon as the credits rolled, tears just streamed down my cheeks and I couldn't stop it lol. It wasn't one of those moments where you could feel the tears coming; it just happened.

It was actually one line that did it and if I remember correctly, it's the very last line of the movie.
— 10/10

Thanks for reading!

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Until next time, something wonderful awaits!

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